You’re Welcome!: Life After Honor
By Melissa Surach • Mar 15th, 2010 • Category: Arts, Featured
On Sept. 25, 2009, the City Council voted unanimously to honor me. Although I was disappointed that my dog wasn’t allowed to join me in the chambers that day, I was almost happy for once. I’d been publicly nagging the council for an award for nearly a year, and I’d finally seen the fruits of my nags. Or so I thought.
Also, I would not be receiving the nude bronze statue cast from my body that I requested, but a stupid plaque. Sometimes you have to settle in life. Councilman Fulop promised to give it to me later, I assumed over dinner. But five long awardless months went by and I was still empty handed and hungry. What was taking so long?
I considered breaking into the councilman’s office or home to retrieve it but finally he emailed me saying, “Your award is framed. Please come and pick it up.” He added: “I’m tired of looking at it,” and “Please do not break into my office.” (I noted that he neglected to say “home.”)
I went to pick it up, but unfortunately he wasn’t there for me to rub on him in person. Also, the office girls, apparently flustered by my local celebrity status, couldn’t find my plaque. But it was now written into law to honor me, and I planned on using it fully. “Don’t you know who I am?” I asked. “I will have you arrested.” As I threatened to call 911, they found it and I stomped off, angry at the drinking time I’d lost.
I took the plaque to lunch with me that day and took pictures of it. We toasted and had a good laugh and hugged, happy to finally be together after so long. We also berated our waiter together. “Ha ha! It’s illegal for you to make me feed myself!” I laughed, “Cut my food!” and “Where’s my buy back, you idiot?” He muttered something about betting I didn’t have a boyfriend, to which I replied, “At least I have a mandate,” and caressed my plaque.
As we settled in for bed that night, I held my plaque tight to my chest. It might not be a nude bronze statue of me, but for now it was good enough. And now that my honor was legislated, what would be next for Melissa Surach to badger people for?
And then it struck me: Mercy needs to hire my dog. This will be my new campaign.
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Melissa Surach is a writer and comedian who was born and raised in Jersey City. She is a Fiction MFA candidate at the New School and drinks way too much beer.
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