The Jersey City Independent "

Photo: Eric Harvey Brown

Dear NBC, Universal Media Studios, Blond Nurse, President Obama, et al,

You have been filming Mercy on my block for nearly a year now, but despite my dog’s constant begging, you have not hired him to star on it. Dirt Pie the Empathy Dog Surach is very upset about this and it would behoove you to rectify the situation immediately.

Dirty, as his friend’s call him, is a good worker and an amateur model. He works for milk bones at the liquor store with me, and since his hiring he’s increased business by 35 percent, and I imagine your ratings would fare even better. For example, you would gain the coveted elderly Hispanic demographic. In addition to fawning over him while they purchase Manischewitz wine at the liquor store, they all stop me on the street and tell me how beautiful he is in Spanish, to which I reply, “De nada,” as they attempt to brush him. Sometimes he gets even more attention than I do, but that’s ok. I don’t mind living vicariously through his successes.

My one concern is that he’s too handsome, and he would be a major distraction on set. Everyone would want to pet him and take pictures or even steal him. He would probably steal the show. He’s not only better looking than the new addition to your cast, James Van Der Beek (Dawson from Dawson’s Creek) but younger as well. At only five years old, he’s ten times as young and infinitely more adorable, and you should fire Dawson and replace him with my dog.

One of the reasons this situation agitates me personally is that sometimes your filming gets in the way of my drinking, especially when you are at Lucky 7’s on Ladies Night. On that one special night, I get to drink for half price. But because you are shooting there, I either have to go to an even worse bar with a greater possibility of date rape — and even more tragically, pay full price for drinks — or drink by myself at home while watching an episode of Mercy. I don’t know which is worse, and I would appreciate if you’d rectify this situation immediately.

I don’t want to threaten you, but failing to hire my dog may result in food stealing and rampant urine marking.

Sincerely,
Melissa and Dirt Pie the Empathy Dog Surach

PS:

In case you are having trouble figuring out to write Mr. Surach into the show, I’ve taken the privilege of writing you a spec script. Here’s the outline:

Blond Nurse arrives at the hospital to find her old friend Colonel Whiskers (played by Dirt Pie the Empathy Dog Surach) waiting for her. (Backstory: Whiskers is just a nickname because he was born with Wolfman disease, and despite being completely hirsute, he rose through the ranks in Iraq to command a fleet and break hearts). He has come to reconnect with his old friends Blond Nurse and Doctor from Iraq.

After the shift, they all go out drinking at Lucky 7’s (but NOT on Ladies Night). Accompanying them is Maria Ong, the new Filipino nurse. Gay Man Nurse thinks he spots something familiar about Ong’s lazy eye, but brushes his suspicions off. Meanwhile, an Italian Patron taunts taciturn Colonel Whiskers (he barely speaks because he’s ashamed of his thick Bayonne accent) over his excessive fur and bad breath. Whiskers responds by biting him. A bar fight ensues and the Patron runs off with wounded pride. However, this brazen act of masculinity intrigues young Nurse Harriet the Spy, and as she bandages Whisker’s wounds, they discover a common interest in hiding food. During the scuffle, all fail to notice that Ong has disappeared and returned to the hospital.

Doctor Dawson, Nurse Harriet the Spy and Colonel Whiskers, sharing a cab home, stop as they find a body in the road and get out to help it. As Doctor Dawson checks the pulse, the man opens his eyes — it’s the surly Patron from the bar, coincidentally, also Dawson’s Mobster nemesis. All three protagonists run as the mob starts shooting at them. Doctor Dawson is shot and dies.

Hiding in the sewer, Nurse Harriet the Spy and Whiskers call the hospital for an ambulance. To which the hospital operator replies, “We can’t send anyone out! There’s a herpes bomb about to go off!”

Nurse and Whiskers run back to the hospital to help diffuse the Herpes Bomb, leaving Doctor Dawson for dead. When they get back, they find out that Ong was really bitter Doctor White in disguise, and he’s returned with a Herpes Bomb to get back at the Mean Doctor for firing him. African American Nurse is trying to placate him, saying, “This town has enough herpes. It can’t hold any more!” to which he replies, “Jersey City is an oozing, contagious sore!” But Colonel Whiskers jumps in, grabs the Herpes Bomb in his mouth, runs outside, and buries it in an unmarked location in the baseball field across the street, thereby saving the day and becoming Mercy’s new hero.

The End.

PPS:

I’ve included this headshot of Dirt Pie the Empathy Dog Surach to showcase how beautiful and photogenic he is.

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