The Jersey City Independent "

Editor’s note: As promised in our profile of her that ran last week, Jayne Freeman — aka “Mamarama” — is now blogging for us on parenting issues. We think she’ll provide a nice complement to our other parenting blogger, Jersey City Dad. This is her first post; enjoy.

About a week before spring break my seven-year-old daughter suggested we go on a road trip for our upcoming vacation. “Come on, Mommy … we haven’t done a road trip in ages! Let’s go to Washington, D.C.!”

She doesn’t know that Mommy does not really like road trips because frankly, I hate being in a car for any more than 90 minutes. That’s my limit. I like movies and car trips to last about an hour and a half, tops (and there is a common denominator there I’m certain).

However, she did come up with a good idea. Washington D.C., unlike say, the Grand Canyon, is in fact a forgivable distance away; and with all those museums being free — I was starting to think that this could be a frugal little holiday.

The first thing I did was check in with my friend Maggie whose mom lives in D.C.; I’ve always genuinely enjoyed my friend’s mother’s company. So, when she said, “My mom would love to host you and the girls,” I was thrilled that we had easily arranged lodgings; the first road trip hurdle.

I had no idea that she lived in an amazingly diverse and desirable section of D.C., or that detached houses like hers were extremely rare in the area. I simply thought, “Great; we have a place to stay, my car gets excellent gas mileage and it’s Cherry Blossom time!”

Here is what I learned:

1. Do NOT clean your car inside and out BEFORE you go on a road trip with two grade-school age children.

You will be knee-deep in apple-cores, Veggie Booty and discarded notebook paper before you even hit the Turnpike. Your backseat becomes a living entity; a pigpen with its own energy force — growing exponentially with each mile.

2. Visit rest stops, but not every twenty minutes.

I had barely passed IKEA when I was ready for a break. Twenty minutes into our road trip and I was itching to be out of the car. You might say that I am not built for travel — however, I do like going places. Thankfully, for kids even a roadside rest stop is an exotic addition to the road trip. Be sure to ask some family, “What state are we in?” so that it will appear like you’ve been driving cross-country for weeks or months, lending an air of respect and awe to your party.

3. A good road trip requires quality music.

The girls and I had just watched that mildly inappropriate (for tweens) roller-derby film Whip It the night before. In a last-minute panic I bought the entire soundtrack from iTunes and frantically burned a CD for our trip. In my haste I neglected to notice that the song I wanted MOST to drive to (The Breeders’ “Cannonball”) was NOT included on the soundtrack. So, by the time we were passing the barrage of Rutgers billboards I was thinking that this trip could not be driven appropriately without it. But the girls didn’t even notice; they had re-discovered The Ramones plus another song with the word “bitch” in it that kept them interested and singing along.

4. Make one side-trip that distracts you from the monotony of driving.

Before the trip I had already decided we’d take a detour into Baltimore and check out their world-renown aquarium. We found parking and piled out of the car only to be assaulted by the heat. At this point in our trip the temperature had risen about 20 degrees since we’d left North Jersey. It would have appeared that traveling a bit south from Jersey City had raised the Mason-Dixon line — but in reality a heat wave was upon us. We were grateful for the cool watery interior of the aquarium — though I nearly fell face-first in a tidal pool when I saw the prices. I suppose I’m out of touch with “theme attractions” that charge you $19.95 for an under-10-year-old child. For a moment I wondered if I could pass them both off as TWO-year-olds (where prices dip marginally). I was determined to get the most out of our pricey visit by perhaps getting nicked by a shark so we’d at least have a story to tell. Instead we chatted at length with a tank diver who divulged the secrets of cleaning fish tanks — thus making the side-trip a success.

5. Stay at someone’s house, not in a hotel.

This point was key to our trip — and not just because I’m parsimonious. It’s nice to have someone warmly welcome you; to give you a cozy room with your own set of towels and paperbacks. To possibly have a delicious homemade dinner available for you and to indulge your children’s needs when you want to take a bath. My friend’s mom was a delight and her house was simply the most magical place I’d ever seen. I found an elephant’s pelvis under her Baroquely-ornate grand piano. There was a combination toilet/bidet in every bathroom — just like a European bed & breakfast. The first toilet we sat on was warm and inviting to our tired buttocks; heated by the electric bidet contraption. Then I explained that you press a button (on the side of the toilet seat) and a warm jet of water washes over your nethers in an efficient and civilized manner. This detail fascinated my daughters endlessly.

There was an exceptionally friendly cat living there who delighted my daughters by sleeping in bed with them. And I had use of the computer whenever I needed (so I needn’t have lugged my cantankerously noisy laptop with me). My friend’s mom gave us pointers on sights we should see and directions for the nearest Metro stop. We were all set.

6. Accept what is beyond your control.

Heat wave. April seemed like the perfect month in which to tool around D.C., but this unexpected heat wave pushed our frazzled feet and hair to its limits. The girls’ feet swelled and sweated in their normally comfortable Crocs and sneakers. The humidity sapped their energy and made even the short trek to the zoo seem impossibly arduous. The two-mile expanse of the National Mall stretched before us like the Kalahari. My typically enthusiastic and perky children were flopping on every park bench and grassy knoll within sight. Their endless complaining was like a discordant drone in my ears; the whining and begging to stop and get ice cream wore me down: “Sure, have a Dove bar at 10 am!” They complained relentlessly about their sore, swollen feet until I finally gave in and permitted them to dip their dogs in none other than the World War II Memorial fountain. I buried my head in my hands, half-pretending they weren’t my children and wondered what my dad would think. “They’re stickin’ their stinky feet in MY WAR’S WATER!”

7. You can see cherry blossoms some other time.

Though I was curious about the famous Cherry Blossoms of D.C. my girls were more of the “they’re just trees” mind. When I discovered that the trees had already bloomed and discarded their flowery blossoms I was somewhat relieved, as the journey over to the grove was out of our way. A moment later I passed a group of elderly folks who were not the least bit relieved by this news. “What do you mean they’ve peaked?” they yelled at the park service ranger as though he had some hand in it. “I waited for this my entire life.”

“Well, next time,” he smiled tightly, “you’ll have to come to D.C. for two weeks just to be sure you catch them.” I could see by their faces that they didn’t really anticipate having a whole lot of “next times” to wait around for blooming cherry trees.

8. Remember to make it fun.

After snapping endless photos on her cell phone, my nine-year-old frowned into her withering phone battery display. She looked up and asked earnestly, “Do you think Obama would let me charge my phone at his house?” Needless to say, we never made it over to the White House — failing phone or not. We didn’t tour the Smithsonian, like we were supposed to, and we missed out on the Cherry Trees. However, we did randomly run into another Jersey City family at the zoo. We circled our way around the other monuments, enduring the endless march hand-in-hand; we discovered an appreciation for abstract expressionism at the Hirshhorn Museum and we traded foot massages with Burt’s Bees creme at night. When we finally decided to find our way back to JC, the heat wave had broken and we were sweaty no more…

All in all it was a memorable road trip, despite our aching feet … I would do it again in a heartbeat; but perhaps we’ll drive north next time and definitely with “Cannonball” blasting on the stereo.

Have parenting questions for Jayne? Email her at mamarama.tv (at) gmail.com and she might answer them in a future column.

Like what you've read here? Please consider making a donation or becoming a sustaining member. As a grassroots news organization, we rely on community support -- as well as paid advertising -- to survive.